4 tips to stay connected when your friends live far away

My best friend Laura and I met in first grade. We were inseparable until college, when we ended up at schools across the country from each other, and we've been long distance ever since.

When we were growing up, Laura and I came up with the concept of a "friendship rope." It's a cheesy, mushy affirmation of our love — an invisible tie that will always connect us no matter how far apart we are from each other.

But even though we know we'll stay friends for life, being apart means that rope sometimes feels stretched or frayed, and it takes work to keep it secure and repair it when we have to.

As often as we move around these days for school, work or family, long distance friendships are a reality of adulthood. While they might require some planning and creativity to keep up, there's no reason to let physical distance keep you from staying connected.

Be explicit and intentional about keeping your long distance friend

If you want to keep people in your life, you have to tell them and be ready to put in the effort.

"I think sometimes we think about friendship as just this place of 'good vibes only,'" says Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and friendship expert. "But like any sort of relationship, you have to be putting effort into the friendship."

Whether you've just moved away from your friend or you've been apart for years, Franco says long distance friendships require a reciprocal commitment.

"That means reaching out. That means finding time to hang out. That means showing your friend, you value them," Franco said.

And the reciprocal is true – remember that they value you, too.

Especially when you're trying to stay in touch across great distances – and time zones – it can be easy to get in your head about your relationship and withdraw when you think things are off. Franco says that when you start with the baseline assumption that people like you actually become more likable.

Use common interests to feel connected – and get real

Develop an "anchor" for your friendship. An anchor is something that you have in common that acts as a trigger to reach out to each other. Maybe you both love cooking, so you each send photos of the new dishes you make with a link to the recipe. Or you both love, let's say, the HBO show Euphoria, and you text to discuss after each episode comes out. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it helps you initiate a connection.

"The anchor also generates exclusivity, and that's something that builds our friendships when we have memories, experiences inside jokes that we share with one person that we don't have with other people," Franco says.

Of course, a friendship can't survive on cooking and Euphoria chats alone.

Franco says the key to building on your bond from afar is vulnerability. Your ability to show vulnerability is a big predictor of whether you'll stay close over time. Try being vulnerable about what's going on in your life and asking questions that welcome your friend's vulnerability.

Don't hesitate to reach out

If you feel like your communication is in a rut, your friend probably feels that way too, so don't be afraid to be the first one to reach out. It shows your friend that they don't need to fear rejection.

"[By] creating the space to make our friend feel valued, we help them become more courageous to take risks of intimacy with us. We help create the space for them to want to invest more with us," says Franco.

And when phone calls won't cut it, think about a visit. Franco says visiting is one of the most important things we can do to keep a long distance friendship going. There's no "right" frequency for visits, so talk about what works best for you and your friend.

Conflicts are natural and healthy – address them openly

Separation is hard. Miscommunication happens. And because there's just a limited amount of time you get with your friend, it's easy to let conflicts go unaddressed.

Try not to sweep things under the rug. In fact, addressing conflict is one of the ways you can become closer with your friend. But bringing issues up can feel scary. Franco recommends bringing up issues in a non-accusatory way, using "I" statements, like, "I felt hurt when you bailed on our phone call last minute." Then, ask your friend what their experience of the issue was and try to see things from both sides.

One common issue long distance friends face is with reciprocity. That's when one friend feels like they're putting more into the relationship than the other. The natural reaction is to back away, but, instead, try reaching out first.

"Just say, 'I would love to hear from you more. What would that be like for you? Is that something that you would be willing to do?' Because if the friendship's going to end anyway, then what do you really have to lose?" Franco says.

The podcast portion of this story was produced by Clare Marie Schneider, with engineering support from Neal Rauch.

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